Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army!
by LindaRoo
Summary: The ultimate combination of horrific AU plotlines...but in character, reasonably plausible and actually written in proper English! Cowritten with the hilarious MarcyJ! We are writing this a breakneck speed, so look for updates often
1. Virgin Vampire Bride Mothers Own Sister

**Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army**

**By Marcy and Roo**

**Introduction**

Roo: (shriek) Marcy! You finally updated that crazy-popular funny story of yours!

Marcy: The one where the Cullens torture Mike Newton in sex ed?

Roo: Yes! It's brilliant!

Marcy: That's only because you inspired my by finally updating that crazy popular funny story of YOURS!

Roo: The one where the Cullens torture Mike Newton in phys. ed?

Marcy: Yes! It's brilliant!

Roo: (dejected) Your story is TWICE as popular as mine.

Marcy: (shrugs) Sex sells.

Roo: (rolls eyes) Apparently.

Marcy: What lured the elusive Roo back into the wonderful world of writing?

Roo: Well…I had to come back. The world of Twilight fan fiction was getting clogged with stories that were obnoxiously implausible. Someone had to put something out there that was worth reading. I used to love reading all the new fan fiction that came out…you know, back when there was a total of 2,000 stories posted. Now there are over 15,000 to sort through…most of them are crappy, out-there Alternative Universe stories.

Marcy: (checks the front page) Bella discovers she's a witch and hooks up Harry Potter in Sunnydale. Edward leaves Bella for girl he met in Brazil named Miffy. Bella marries Mike Newton and Carlisle kills their children.

Roo: What did I tell you? (mumbles something that sounds vaguely like "ridiculous AU crap.")

Marcy: What's next? "Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army?"

Roo: (falls off her chair laughing) Preggers…Vampy…HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Marcy: (rolls on floor, unable to breathe, tears streaming down her face)

Roo: Dude. That is the WORST concept I've ever heard of for an AU piece.

Marcy: Laughably bad.

Roo: Edward and Bella running through the treetops after he tells her he's a vampire would be more likely to happen.

Marcy: (sighs) I'm glad you're back. Now that we've both returned to writing fan fiction after long months of being AWOL, we should TOTALLY write a fanfic together.

Roo: I'm down with that. What do you think the theme should be?

Marcy: We should write…"Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army"!!!

Roo: You've gotta be joking.

Marcy: Who me? Naw. I don't tell jokes. Serious. All the time. Me serious.

Roo: But Marcy…who's going to want to read something like THAT?

Marcy: Who cares? It will be a blast to write!

Roo: It's so ridiculous…that I have to say…YES! Let's do it! (dies laughing)

Marcy: How is this going to work?

Roo: Okay…you start. Write 500 words. Then, I'll pick it up and write another 500 words. We'll go back and forth like that. We'll post every 3,000 words or so as a chapter. The story will end when we get Bella 1) Pregnant 2) Turned into a vampire 3) To join the army. In that order.

Marcy: I can't believe we're doing this!!!

Roo: This story is totally on crack

Marcy: Dude! It's going to be a hit!

Both: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

**Chapter One: The Virgin Vampire Bride Mothers Her Own Sister**

_An infertility clinic is no place for a teenager,_ I thought to myself. Seven women and four men were clustered around the room, occupying its tacky plaid chairs, pretending to read about celebrity so-and-so's scandalous hook up with his maid. That wasn't really what they were reading, though. I'd figured out two weeks earlier, at my first appointment, that what they were actually reading was each other.

_Is she pregnant? Why her and not me?_

If Edward were here he could have told me exactly what they were thinking, but I'd refused to let him come. I was being stared at enough in this waiting room without the company of the world's most gorgeous "teenager."

The women all wore different expressions: some hopeful, some weary, and some of absolute desperation. But each of them, even the hopeful ones, glared at me with an unspoken accusation: _What are _you_ doing here?_

Honestly, I wondered the same thing. I longed to escape from this waiting room almost as much as I longed to postpone my journey to the exam room. I looked up with a blend of hopefulness and nervousness when the nurse opened the window to call the next patient back.

I knew immediately when she lifted the brown paper sack that my name would not be the one called. When the poor guy grabbed the sack and headed to the bathroom, I couldn't stop myself from looking down and blushing in embarrassment at what I knew he was going to do. "Romancing the cup," Emmett had called it. Edward would owe me big time for this.

It had been Rosalie, of all people, who'd planted this ridiculous notion in Edward's head. After the night she came to Edward's room and told me her tragic tale, she'd thought almost constantly of babies. It drove Edward crazy. In the complicated spider web of her regret, the thought had occurred to her that were she still "alive" today, she could have some of her eggs frozen. Her DNA could still be preserved somewhere, and someday—even if she couldn't carry it within her—she could have a child. Not that she would choose to do so. The life she had been dealt wasn't ideal for motherhood. It would be dangerous. But still, there would be the option. Not having the choice pissed her off.

Edward—of course—wanted me to have every option available. I'd already made the choice to become a…to become like the Cullens. I had no doubt that giving up the possibility of motherhood—which I never really longed for anyway—for the reality of an eternity with my soul mate was a more than fair trade. No kids. Whatever. I was okay with that, but _Edward_ wanted me to have some eggs frozen—an ace in the hole, so to speak. I told him there was no way I would ever want to have a baby. It would be insane, like bringing Jasper one of those mini corn dogs that every human finds so delicious and irresistible and expecting him to declare it the perfect snack. Besides, I'd had enough mothering to last me several lifetimes just taking care of Renee.

But Edward really thought I might be glad of this some day, and what's more, _Rosalie_ really wanted me to do it. If a few weeks of being stuck in the butt with some hormones and a simple outpatient procedure could spare me centuries of scorn by Rosalie—and pacify Edward at the same time—well, I couldn't turn that down. The one thing I had refused them, however, was allowing Carlisle to perform the procedure. There were just some places I didn't want my future father in law poking around, and I certainly didn't want him in the places Edward hadn't even been yet.

I insisted on going to a clinic in Seattle--far enough away that I wouldn't be recognized--and where the physician was not my boyfriend's pseudo father. Since I thought the whole thing was stupid, though, I did allow them to pay for it.

"Isabella Swan?" the nurse called. I set my copy of _People_ down and followed her down a short hallway into a sterile, fluorescently-lit exam room. She took my weight, height and vitals. My heart rate was ninety beats per minute. The nurse assured me that it was probably just because I was nervous. After asking a few standardized questions about when I'd had my last period, she gave me a flimsy gown to change into and left the room.

After fifteen minutes of shivering on the edge of the exam table, the doctor came in. To my surprise, it wasn't the fifty-something female doctor who had done my initial evaluation. Instead, to my horror, it was a thirty-something young man. His nametag said "Luke O. Seitz: Physician's Assistant" on it. Great. Just great. He took a seat on a rolling stool, examining my chart.

"Miss Swan?" he said. I nodded. "I'm Dr. Lutin's assistant. You can just call me Luke." He reviewed a few items on my chart. "I read here that you and your fiancé have had difficulties conceiving, and that you're here to have a go at in vitro. Is that correct?

"Yes. My future father-in-law, Dr. Cullen, is going to do the in vitro process at the hospital in Forks. I'm just having the eggs harvested here, frozen, and sent over. Dr. Lutin assured me that that was all possible."

"You've received two shots of FSH already?" I nodded.

"Yes. That's all that Dr. Lutin did during the last two visits." He nodded, again reviewing my chart.

"You're only eighteen, is that right?" I winced.

"Yes."

"How long have you and your fiancée been trying, without success?" I blushed feverishly.

"A year," I lied. I _wished_ we'd been "trying" for a year.

"You're very young and you have a lot of time left. You're fresh out of high school. Are you sure you're ready for this?" I fumbled for an answer.

"He's quite a bit older than me," I said, staring at the floor. I wasn't about to say just _how _much older. "He's been ready for marriage and kids and…" I paused. The lies weren't coming smoothly. "Well…he's been ready for awhile. I love him. I want to make him happy." The PA searched my face, his expression full of concern and unconscious disapproval.

"Before we do any harvesting, I need to do a routine gynecological check up. You'll need a pap smear, a pelvic exam, and a breast exam. Go ahead and lay back." He pulled out those awful metal stirrups at the base of the table and placed my feet into them. I wished desperately that Dr. Lutin had come back. Why had I volunteered for this? A man was touching me…down there.

After less than a minute of poking and prodding, Luke abruptly stopped the exam and rolled back.

"Bella, you can go ahead and sit up," he said.

"It's over already?" I asked, surprised.

"For now," he said. If his expression was full of concern before, now it was _really_ full of concern. "Is there something that you weren't honest about during your initial examination?"

"Um…I don't _think_ so," I faltered. His piercing eyes weren't buying it.

"You said that you and your fiancé had been trying for a year." I nodded, face red, eyes fixed on my hands.

"Bella…your hymen is intact. You're still a virgin, aren't you?" I made no move. I could feel my face burning. Luke just sat there, waiting.

"No. I…yes. Yes and no." I stammered, looking down at my bitten fingernails.

"It's either yes or no, Bella, but it can't be both."

"Yes. I'm still a virgin." _And I will probably remain one, because I am going to __**kill**__ Edward for talking me into this._

"Then why do you believe IVF is necessary for you and your fiancé to conceive?"

I wanted to run out of the examination room, and drive back to Forks without a backward glance. I would have done it, too, if I weren't still in the stupid, backless, paper gown. I mentally weighed my options: I could either expose my butt to a waiting room full of people when I ran through—and most likely tripped in—the waiting room, or sit here and explain to _Luke _that not only was I a virgin, but a liar, too.

"I…I don't think we need medical help to have a baby together." _No, we'd need a miracle, with Edward being sterile for the last 90 years._ I giggled at my errant thought, a byproduct of my rising hysteria, no doubt.

"Then why subject yourself to this?"

_Think Bella. Think. Why did people do this? To have babies, duh. Think! _I remembered the women in the waiting room that glared and made me so uncomfortable. One of them reminded me a lot of Renee. _That's it!_

"For my mother," I looked away from my pathetic fingernails, and met his gaze with certainty.

"Your mother wants you to do this?" He was obviously baffled.

_Your bedside manner needs work, Doc. _"Well, yes. But I really want to do it for her."

"Is she that desperate for grandchildren?"

A nervous giggle worked its way out of my lips, but I quickly squashed it. "No, _Luke_." I emphasized his name, thinking of how Edward always called the people he dazzled by name. I needed all the help I could get. I was a terrible liar. "She's not desperate for grandchildren. She'd probably kill me if Edward and I started a family this young."

Luke blinked, but didn't interrupt, so I spoke quickly, hoping the lie would be less obvious if spoken fast.

"She married a much younger guy. Phil doesn't have any children of his own, or anything. And there's something wrong with her eggs."

Luke's face relaxed. "And you're going to be a surrogate for her?"

"Uh…no. Just a donor."

"I understand, Bella. What I don't understand is why you felt the need to be untruthful about it."

"I was embarrassed." _Well, at least that wasn't a lie. _"I mean, it's weird right? If she has a baby it will be my child _and_ my sibling! I thought you would think it was weird."

Luke actually laughed. "Bella, honestly I find it a lot less weird than the story you fed me coming in here. Family reproductive donors—and even surrogates—are extremely common. I think it is brave and kind, not weird."

He smiled at me, and I smiled back. I was proud to have thought on my feet and come up with a new story under pressure. It was good practice for later.

Luke raised one eyebrow at me. "But I would advise you against lying to your physicians in the future. It's a very dangerous thing to do, and not exactly legal, either."

I gulped.

"I know Dr. Cullen," he continued. "Not well, but I've been down to the hospital in Forks a few times. He's a good man—a good Doctor—and I have a hard time believing he would approve of your being…" he scratched his chin, "less than _forthright_ with us."

"Sorry." My voice was almost a whisper. _Do not cry, Bella! _I couldn't help it. I was embarrassed, and angry, and the tears wouldn't stay away. "So," my voice broke on a repressed sob, "Now what?"

Luke finished my normal gynecological exam with surprising speed. I wondered if it was because he was in a hurry to get done so he could get on to _sane_ patients, or if he was just efficient. Either way, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The pap smear was unpleasant, but I'd gone through worse. Surviving multiple fractures, numerous abrasions, a concussion, and a vampire bite all on the same day does wonders for one's pain tolerance. He ended the visit by giving me another shot of FSH telling me to return in five days, when I was ovulating. At any other point in time, I would have protested yet another all day affair (it was a three-hour drive to Seattle—four in my geriatric truck), but since it was summer, I didn't mind. The Newtons had been cutting my hours at work, and with school done, I didn't have much going on. I forked over my co-pay at the front desk and left.

After an hour stuck in Seattle traffic, glaring enviously at the cars zipping along down the carpool lane that I was forbidden to enter (making dummies and putting them in the passenger seat so you didn't look like you were driving by yourself carried a hefty fine in Seattle), I finally made it to US-101, going as fast as my plodding truck would allow. Once I was no longer occupied with trying to stay alive in the sea of honking horns, my mind filled with millions of thoughts and millions of emotions. Anger swelled into rage which morphed into utter humiliation. I'd never liked lying, but to be caught red-handed in the middle of lie as personal as the unspoiled state of my _crotch_ was more than I could handle.

Though I was glad to be out of the examination room, I was dreading going home. The thought of discussing _So! How was your day? Did you have fun at the doctor's office? _with Charlie was about as appealing as the thought of eating moldy croutons. I thought about going straight to the Cullens', but realized, with horror, that Alice had probably "seen" the good, the bad, and the ugly of my spread-eagle afternoon with _Luke_. With a sudden start, I realized that if Alice saw it, Edward probably saw it too. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt my blood run cold, like ice. I groaned. What if Emmett found out? He'd have a field day with this. _The virgin vampire bride mothers her own sister._ I thought. _It sounds like something you'd read in the National Inquirer. _

"Aw…crap!" I yelled out loud. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Forks exit zip past, to my right. I'd been so lost in thought that I was driving on auto-pilot. I sighed, looking to the median on the left, trying to see if there was a good place to turn around.

Suddenly, I realized that I didn't want to go home. With a sudden, rash, impulse, I turned right, off of US-101, and veered onto WA-110. My tires squealed in protest. The frustration and anxiety built up inside of me from the events of the day had reached a peak. I wasn't ready to face what was waiting for me at home. I needed an escape.

A sign to the right read "15 miles to La Push." I gunned my engine.

I was startled when tinkling piano music filled the cab of the truck. It was Mendelssohn's _Wedding March_, and it was coming from the small silver phone Edward and Alice had insisted I bring.

_I told her to quit changing the ringtone to __THAT. _Alice had persisted on assigning different ringtones to everyone in my directory list. She was quite the comedian, that Alice Cullen. A phone call from Jake in La Push would bring _Hey There Little Red Riding Hood_. Not that he called me anymore. If Rosalie called, _Every Rose has a Thorn_ would play. Not the she called me, either. Charlie's ringtone was the theme song from _COPS_, Renee's was _Put Me In Coach_, Emmett's was the Elvis song _Teddy Bear_, Jasper's was _Dixie_, and Carlisle's was the theme to _E.R_. Alice thought these were all hilarious. I wasn't quite as sure. Edward's and Esme's ringtones, however, I actually enjoyed. They were both recordings of Edward at his piano. _My Lullaby_ played when Edward called me, and _Esme's favorite_ played when the call came from her cell. Come to think of it, the melodic notes filling the truck were most likely brought to life by Edward, too. They felt too rich—to alive—to be the creation of a mere mortal.

Alice kept changing her ringtone to the _Wedding March_, since—as she kept reminding me— she was technically in charge of the whole thing. I kept changing it back to the audio rip of _Shoes_, but I was fighting a losing battle. Afterall, it's pointless to try to stay one step ahead of a psychic vampire with superhuman speed that never sleeps. The ringtone was always _The Wedding March_ when she called.

So I knew _who_ was calling, and I knew _why_ she was calling—my future would have dissapeared the instant I decided to go to La Push—which was precicely why I decided _not_ to answer the phone. If I wanted to discuss what happened at the clinic, I would be driving to _Forks_, not to La Push. As soon as I made the decision not to answer, the phone stopped ringing. _Stupid psychic vampire_.

Almost instantaneously the cell phone rang again, but it was not the Wedding March. It was a different tone—one that made me catch my breath even now, after all this time—_My Lullaby_. It was Edward.

_Crap.__ He Knows. But how much does he know? _It was obvious, based on the timing of the call, that Edward knew where I was headed. But he might not be aware of what happened with _Luke_…yet. I struggled with the concept of not answering for Edward, either, but it was only a fleeting fancy. I couldn't not answer. He'd seen me cry the night I said goodbye to Jake, he'd _held me_ while I wept myself into oblivion over another man. I'd promised myself then and there that I would never hurt Edward again. He wouldn't guilt me over it, even if I continued to drive as fast as my truck would allow right onto the reservation, but _I_ would feel guilty anyway. I'd made my choice. I couldn't go to La Push. I sighed and pushed the green button on my phone to connect the call.

"Edward," I whispered. He would hear me.

"Don't hang up. It's important!" The voice was not the sultry tones of my fiance. It was Alice.

"I'm not going." I said with disgust in my voice. Disgust at myself for what I'd almost done, and disgust at the world in general for the embarrasment I still felt about the morning's appointment.

"I know that. Your future just reappeared, but that's not why I'm calling." Her voice was shaky.

"What's wrong?" I was suddenly panicked. I'd heard Alice sound unsure of herself in only one other chapter in my life: the day that Edward fled to Italy.

"You need to come home, Bella." Alice said sternly. "We can discuss it when you get here, but make sure you come _straight_ to the mansion, Bella. Don't stop anywhere else. And for heaven's sake don't interact with any of those werewolves!"

"No. _Tell me_ what this is about, Alice."

"Bella. Just come…"

"No," I cut her off briskly. "I'm pulling over on the side of the road, and I'm not moving an inch until you explain to me what is going on!" I meant it. Alice must have seen my conviction in her vision, because she relented.

"It's about Dr. Lutin. She was found this morning by the police wandering naked around Seattle. They think she's suffered some type of mental collapse because she seems to be perfectly healthy physically, but she's throwing fits. They've had to restrain her and drug her, but she won't stop shrieking about the red eyed little girl who burned her insides with her mind."

_Jane._"Alice, I…"

"Wait, Bella. There's more. She said the little girl was the daughter of his assistant, Luke Seitz."

"Luke isn't a vampire, Alice. I met him today."

We already know that. Luke is like Gianna, Bella, a human that the Volturi will use and throw away. Dr. Lutin was screaming that she has been doing something to the women that come to the clinic. You need to come home, Bella. Right _now_."


	2. Experiments by Psychotic Royal Vampires

_Authors' Note__: We apologize profusely to the fans who keep urging us to update "Edward in PE" and "Cullenary Education: Forks Sex-Ed!" Though this story is less popular, it is infinitely more fun to write._

_Stephenie Meyer is the creator of these characters. We just…erm…torture them in cruel and unusual ways._

**Chapter Two: A Cruel Experiment Done By Psychotic Royal Vampires**

My hands were shaking as I approached the Cullen mansion. This was a very bad thing, since I was trying to steer. My truck veered back and forth across the long driveway like an eight-pound bowling ball flung by a six-year-old onto a bumper lane.

_My God! What did they _do _to me? _I thought frantically. _Have I become the lab rat in some cruel experiment done by psychotic royal vampires? What do they want? _I tried not to panic, but the swells of nausea were washing over me, making me feel dizzy. I parked, hopped out of the truck and ran up the steps. Fighting to keep balanced in the midst of my growing disequilibrium, I wrenched the door open.

The moment I entered the house, however, I stopped worrying about the situation and relaxed. Everything seemed to be right with the world. Contentment and happiness flooded over me, trickling down to my toes like a warm frothy drink on a snowy winter evening. I felt elated, euphoric even, as if there was nothing that could spoil my perfect day. I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. I could seduce any man who came my way. I could…"

"Jasper…that's overkill," Edward's velvety voice said, with a hiss. "I said to calm her down, not to make her feel _high._"

"Oh. Sorry." Jasper said sheepishly, running his hand through his silky blonde hair. The euphoria vanished, and was replaced by a thrumming calmness.

"Drat," I said. "That was kinda nice." I sighed and glanced around. "Where's Alice?" Edward's expression was unfathomable. He ignored my question and instead leaned in close to me. He lifted the hair from the back of my neck and ran his nose along my skin. I shivered at his touch. His nose felt strangely colder than usual. He suddenly pulled back, as if he'd been stung by a bee (not that a bee sting could hurt a vampire very much). He wrinkled his nose, eyes wide.

"Alice is right…" he muttered to himself. "This is bad. Very bad."

"Are you wearing cologne?" I asked suddenly. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"No. Why would I do that?"

"You smell different than usual." I frowned. "I don't think I like it." Jasper let out a low whistle.

"That confirms our suspicions," Jasper said ominously. Edward clenched his jaw.

"We can't assume anything until Carlisle does the test," he said through gritted teeth.

"What the heck is going on?" I said. My voice would have risen to a hysterical shriek if Jasper hadn't been pumping me full of endorphins.

"You need to go see Carlisle. This is urgent. Come on. Jasper, we'll need you to come along as well." He took my hand and together we ascended the huge staircase leading to Carlisle's study.

I'd only been in the library-like office a few times in the past year, and it had usually been to borrow books. I'd never seen it set up like this before. The leather sofas had disappeared and were replaced with an exam table and several pieces of high-tech diagnostic equipment. Carlisle and Rosalie were measuring out chemicals into little vials with syringes. Alice was perched on Carlisle's desk, holding perfectly still.

"Will someone please explain all this to me?" I said, with a strangled cry. Alice sauntered over to me, picked me up, and dumped me unceremoniously on the exam table, and rolled me onto my side.

"Bella, where did Luke give you your FSH shot?" she asked.

"Right here," I replied, pointing to my butt. "It hurt like nobody's business," I added. Without another word, Rosalie and Carlisle pulled my jeans down.

"What the crap?" I yelled. "Edward…what _is _all this?" to my relief, he had politely turned his back, giving me my privacy.

"Bella…they need a sample of your bone marrow, as well as a sample of your blood."

"But…why?"

"You'll know soon enough," he said, his melodious voice low, laced with undercurrents of growls. I could see him clenching and unclenching his fists. I banged my head against the exam table. _Could he possibly be any more cryptic?_

I felt the panic begin to well up within me, then almost immediately fall away again. Jasper was struggling to keep my emotional state balanced, the result of which was a tidal swell and ebb of panic and elation.

"Edward," I gasped. It was becoming difficult to breathe.

"I'm here, Bella. I won't leave you," His velvety voice was infinitely more soothing than Jasper's emotional manipulations.

"The blood samples are really just for you to snack on, right?" I aimed for playfulness.

Edward's lips curled into an answering smile that didn't quite meet his golden eyes.

"Of course. You're a delicacy. We've decided we could make more money selling bits of you than we can by psychically playing the stock market. You're onto our evil vampire scheme."

"As long as that's all." _Why am I getting so sleepy? I could just close my eyes and take a little rest. Yes. Rest._

"Sleep Bella," Jasper commanded.

The last thing I heard before I closed my eyes was Carlisle ordering everyone but Edward out of the study. _He must be about to draw my blood…_And then there was only blissful nothingness.

I awoke in the comforting presence of Edward's room. I was lying on the right side of the giant bed Edward purchased the first time Alice held me hostage. The room was dark, with the exception of the shell nightlight Edward and I bought when we visited Renee in Jacksonville. What was I doing in Edward's bed? And why was I _alone_ in Edward's bed? I pushed the plush comforter off of me and was startled to feel a sharp pinch in my right hand. I glanced down in search of the source of the small pain, expecting a spider or some other small disgusting creature. _What the… _There was no insect bite on my hand. Instead there was a needle, some tape, and a tube. _Oh, crap_. _Why am I hooked up to an IV?_

"Edward?" I attempted to say his name conversationally, keeping both my volume and tone neutral. I succeeded at the volume, but I couldn't keep the shrill edge of panic out of my voice.

The door opened, and the room exploded in light. I adjusted to the brightness of the overhead fixtures while me otherworldly fiancé rushed up beside me. "Lay back down, Bella. I'm here."

"What…why am I…what's going on?"

"Shhh." I felt his cold lips brush softly against my forehead. "Lay back down for me, and I'll explain everything."

I lowered my head back onto the pillow and caught a quick glimpse of what I was wearing. I had never seen anything quite like it in my life. It was an eggshell white cotton dressing gown with lace panels inset along the neckline, and lavender satin ribbon work acting as a loose corset. It was the type of lingerie that Alice had hinted at buying for my honeymoon with Edward. _Oh, no. Had we?_

"Edward! What, how?"

"What's the last thing you remember from yesterday, Bella?" The velvet voice calmed me.

"Yesterday?" _What was yesterday? _My mind was pulling a blank.

"Yesterday. You had a doctor's appointment in the morning."

"Doctor's…" It all came flooding back. The humiliating examination. The frantic drive. The horrifying and confusing phone call. And the panic in Edward's eyes. _Tests. Carlisle had done some tests. _

To anyone but me, Edward's expression would have appeared calm and relaxed. But I knew him well enough to see the fear and anger hidden beneath it. Something was very, very wrong.

"I remember," I whispered. "Tell me what's happening, Edward. Please."

Edward's eyes did not meet mine. Instead, he stood up and began pacing back and forth across the room. He paused by the humongous window and rested his beautiful marble forehead against the glass. When at last he spoke, his silky voice was as still and soft as the moonlight that caressed his flawless form.

"Aro has had a special interest in you since he first encountered you in Italy," he said carefully. His tone was guarded, as though he was afraid of giving away too much too quickly. "Though he never expressed it out loud, Alice has seen that he is afraid of you. Terrified even."

"What?" I'd always been the damsel in distress, surrounded by creatures too big for me to handle. The idea of a three thousand year old royal vampire fearing _me _was unusual, to say the least.

"He is concerned about the potential of what your powers may become, once your natural abilities are enhanced." Edward said quietly. I stared at him blankly.

"What on earth does he have to be afraid of?" I said in a half-serious voice, hoping to remove some of the tension from the air. "Is he worried that my powers of klutziness are going to increase tenfold, making every speck of dust on the floor a tripping hazard?" Edward ignored my attempts at humor. He continued to stare out the window.

"For months, the Volturi have harbored a fear that once you become a vampire, you will gain the ability to shield not only _your_ mind, but the minds of others as well. This would cripple his army's strength." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh come on. You don't honestly think I will be able to do that…do you?" I scoffed. Edward walked back to the bed and took my free hand in his cold one. At last, I saw his expression break from its stoic mask, as sheer panic broke loose in his gold eyes.

"You've been doing it for the last twelve hours," he whispered, his voice shaking. "I can't read minds at all." My heart began to race and I felt sweat trickle down the back of my neck. I reached up to push my damp hair away, and inadvertently yanked the IV from my hand. Blood spurted from the palm of my hand, and I cried out in pain. I glanced around, desperate to find something that would stop the flow of blood, stop the pain that I knew he must be experiencing. But at moment, two things occurred that I had not expected.

The first was that Edward's nose wrinkled in disgust, as though a skunk had walked past. Not his typical reaction to smelling my blood.

The second was that the wound closed instantly, its edges sealing themselves together like magic. I gasped.

"What the hell did they _do _to me?" I whispered. Edward curled himself into a ball, hugging his knees to the chest. He was very still…statue-like.

"Carlisle never told you why he left the Volturi, did he?" he whispered ominously. When I didn't respond, he continued.

"Many centuries ago, when Aro was building his army, he sought out the humans who already possessed certain skills and abilities, with the hope that once he changed them, those talents would grow into powers. The only problem was that he didn't have a reliable way to screen his potential guard members. Turning a human into a vampire is difficult. The transformation itself is physically taxing for both parties, and trying to train and control the newborn during that first crucial year takes an incredible amount of time and effort. Aro kept running into the same problem: he'd find a human who _looked _like they'd develop superpowers, but end up being just your average Joe vamp."

"Like Emmett or Rosalie?"

"Exactly. Aro has no use for vamps like that." He lay back, staring at the ceiling, breathing evenly.

"For many years, the Volturi would simply execute the newborns who were found to be too weak. Then, Carlisle came along."

"They tried to execute Carlisle?" I shrieked. Edward rolled his eyes.

"Will you please refrain from interrupting?" he said, exasperated. Amusement flitted across the golden pools for a fraction of a second. I made a motion like I was zipping my lips. He gave me a warning look before continuing. "When Carlisle arrived at Volterra, he was horrified by the needless slaughter of the confused and struggling newborns. He was morally and ethically disturbed by what he saw and expressed his concerns. Marcus promised him that if he were able to develop an alternative, they would use it." He paused, drawing close, bringing his trembling lips up against my ear. His hushed velvet whisper brought chills up my spine.

"Carlisle rose to the challenge. He developed a way to temporarily bring a human's potential power to its full capacity _before_ they were turned into a vampire." I began to hyperventilate.

"How," I asked. My voice cracked.

"There is one other creature that begins as a human, but when transformed, gains abilities that are enhancements of their human talents. Typically, it is not possible for someone to become one of those creatures unless the potential for it is stamped into their genetic code. The transformation caused by a mutation on the x-chromosome…a rare recessive trait. But Carlisle found a way to make the transformation occur even in those who weren't born with the gene." I bit my lip. Edward closed his eyes, unable to meet my nervous gaze.

"Lycanthropy is caused by altered erythrocyte production in the red bone marrow. Those who express the lycanthropy gene produce abnormal red blood cells, which have a violent chemical reaction when exposed to the cortisol, the hormone that is released during the fight-or-flight response. Carlisle discovered that if he were transplanted werewolf marrow into a human recipient, they would, for a time, produce the mutant red blood cells as well. It doesn't last long…usually just three or four weeks…the normal life cycle of a red blood cell, but it served Aro's purpose. By temporarily turning humans into werewolves, the Volturi were able to see what those humans would be capable of, should they be turned into vampires. Carlisle told Aro that he would perform the procedure on potential guard members, on the condition that those who developed no special powers would to be released back into human society."

" Aro didn't release them back into human society, did he?" I said, holding back my horror. Edward shook his head.

"They knew too much. They became food for the newborns." There was silence between us, as I processed all the new information I'd acquired. I stared at Edward, dumbfounded.

"Bella…what are you thinking?" he asked cautiously.

"Does this mean that I'm…I'm a _werewolf_?" I said, trying to keep my voice from squeaking. I wanted to be sure this wasn't a joke. Or a nightmare.

"Just temporarily," he assured me.

My heart sank. "Three weeks?" I asked softly.

"Three or four," he stroked my chin and gave me a crooked smile.

"The wedding is in two," I reminded him.

Pain flashed behind the golden blaze of Edward's eyes. He stood and began pacing silently back and forth, three times, four, five, nine, before he finally spoke. "We're going to have to postpone the wedding, Bella."

"After everything I went through with Renee and Charlie to have it this soon? I don't _want_ to postpone it! I don't _want_ to be a werewolf!" I waved my bloody hand in the air for emphasis, and saw Edward grimace. "And I don't want you to think I _stink_!"

He crossed the room to stand by my side with his usual blurring speed. I was surprised, however, to realize that he didn't actually _blur _like he usually didI could follow his supernatural movements with my newly supernatural eyesight. That was sort of cool.

"Do you think _I_ stink?" he asked, self-consciously. I sniffed carefully. A sickly sweet, icy fume burned my nostrils like ammonia mixed with bleach.

"Actually…yeah." I stared at him, astounded. "Edward…I never thought I'd say this…but you smell terrible. Ugh. Do _I _smell that bad?" He laughed.

"You know how sometimes, when humans stink up the bathroom, they try to cover up the poop smell with that awful potpourri spray?" I nodded, wrinkling my nose. He laughed again, and the laughter sounded like the ringing of silver bells on a Christmas morning. "I suppose this is sort of the reverse of that phenomenon. The wonderful, awful, mouth-watering aroma of your blood is now covered up with the smell of wet dog. It's actually kinda nice. Well…not nice as in 'it smells good.' Nice as in 'now that you put horseradish sauce on my ice cream, I'm not temped to break my diet' good.'"

"This sucks," I moaned. Edward looked tenderly at me, his liquid gaze drinking me in. For the first time, I could see moonlight sparkling lightly off of the facets of his skin. Momentarily I forgot my trials and was lost in his beauty.

"Bella. Even as a werewolf you are the most beautiful, most _wonderful_ thing in my world." Suddenly, his spell was broken. I cinched my eyebrows together, and actually growled at him.

"I didn't say I wasn't _beautiful_ and _wonderful_. I said you think I _stink_."

"It's only temporary, Bella. You aren't worrying about the right things! The Voturi, Aro, my inability to read minds. Those are all a lot more concerning than your new odor." I winced.

"Do I really smell that bad?"

"Actually," Rosalie's voice entered the room before her obscenely perfect body did. "You _do_. It's disgusting." At the sound of her voice I pulled the covers back over the revealing nightgown as high as they would go. _I wish they would turn the lights back off._

"Sorry, Bella," Emmett said, following Rosalie into Edward's room "She's right. You stink. But hey! At least nobody will try to munch on you!"

"Yeah, Emmett. Thanks. That glass is _really_ half full," I replied bitterly.

Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, and Alice filed in behind Emmett, forming a circle around the bed. The way they were all staring at me made me more than a little bit uncomfortable.

"So, what do we do now?" I asked to no one in particular.

Rosalie's red lips spread into a wicked smile, and she raised one perfectly arched eyebrow. "We're going to do what we should have done a year and a half ago, Bella. We're going to _kill_ you."


	3. She's better than fine! She's furry!

_Authors' Note__: We SWEAR that we haven't hacked an illegal copy of "Breaking Dawn." We SWEAR that we are not publishing "Breaking Dawn" on this fanfiction account as our own creation. We SOLEMNLY SWEAR that none of these events will take place in "Breaking Dawn." Or…at least…er…we hope they won't. _

_We'd add a disclaimer that we didn't write Twilight, but we think, considering what we've done to its characters, that that's pretty obvious._

**Chapter 3: She's Better than Fine…She's Furry!**

"You're what?" I panted. Terrified, I tried to cling to Edward, but before I could wrap my arms around him, the room began to shake. Small objects on Edward's dresser toppled over and a vase broke with a smash. I frowned. Was there a fault line near Forks? I'd never experienced an earthquake during my year-and-a-half stint in Washington, but I couldn't deny the fact that a doozy of one was going on right now. "Edward!" I screamed, reaching for him. I wasn't sure he'd heard me—I could barely hear myself over the vibrating hum of the quaking. He didn't come to me; instead, he backed away, staring at me in horror. I glanced around the room and realized that they all were.

"Edward!" I cried once more. With that final shout, I saw the door behind Esme crash open, and an enormous dark shadow rushed across the room to where I lay.

"Get out!" someone screamed. Someone I knew, but not Edward. "Out! You're making it worse for her. Go!" The dark shadow chased my family out of the room—with the exception of Edward, who refused to leave my side—and then turned to face me.

"Shh. It's okay Bells. Calm down. I'm here, now. It's gonna be okay."

_Jacob. _"The earthquake?" I asked stupidly.

"No earthquake." His breath was hot in my ear, and he stroked my hair. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward shift forward menacingly. "You were about to phase. But you're okay now, because we're all going to remain nice and _calm_." He glared at Edward when he said the last word. Edward had looked ready to spring on Jake, but he began to willfully relax his shoulders.

"Now, tell me, Bells. What upset you so much?"

_What upset me? Well, gee. How about the Vampire Royal Army turning me into a werewolf? Or how about them feeding me to newborns if I failed their test? Or how about…something with Rosalie. What had Rosalie said? They were going to kill me!_

I shot Edward a panicked glance. He wouldn't let her harm me, I was sure of that. "Rosalie?" I asked him, not daring to meet Jacob's gaze.

"She meant _fake_ your death, Bella. Only pretend. That is the only way to buy us the time to come up with another plan. You're going to have to leave. Now."

"But can't Demetri track you? I won't put you in danger for me, Edward!"

"Shh, it's alright my love." Edward whispered, kissing me lightly on the nose. "You'll be home, soon." He turned to Jake. "If anything happens to her, anything _at all_…"

"Chill. She's safe with me. And who knows, she may come to her senses and decide to _stay_ safe with me. You scared she's going to change her mind?" Jacob taunted.

I slapped him in the arm, and to my extreme surprise and pleasure, he actually stumbled a little from my blow.

Edward completely ignored Jacob. He kissed me softly on the temple, and when he pulled my face in close to his, his words were a cool whisper.

"Be safe."

I'd seen Jacob happy many times before, but this was something else entirely. His grin was so wide I thought that it might fall off his face. The happiness rolling off of him was so thick that I could nearly smell it.

"Do you mind?" I snapped angrily, from the passenger seat of the Volkswagen. "I'm having the most effed up day of my entire life. Can you at least pretend to be sympathetic?" He chuckled, ruffling my hair with his oversized right hand.

"Your wedding is postponed, you're a werewolf, you're coming to stay with me, your leech fiancé can't read my mind, and the werewolf Freedom of Information Act has been suspended. I'm supposed to be sad about this...how?" I glared at him. He was bursting with joy, like the first ray of sunshine at the dawn of a new day. Giddiness was emanating from his every sort-of beautiful pore, as we raced down the road to La Push. I grumbled.

"Knowing my luck, I'm probably going to imprint on your dad, or something awful like that," I mumbled, sulking. He laughed so loud that I thought the mountains would echo.

"Naw," he said. His beautiful black eyes were sparkling against his dark russet skin. "Only the males imprint. Something very different happens with the females. It hasn't happened with Leah yet, but Billy told us what he knows from the legends. Sam was pissed as all get out when he found out. I think he's going to lock her away in a closet somewhere when the time comes."

"Do I even want to know?" I groaned. He laughed again.

"It's simple wolf biology," he said. "Within a pack of normal wolves in the wild, only the Alpha male and the Alpha female mate. This keeps the numbers in check and establishes the pecking order. This only happens when the Alpha female goes into heat, though, and _that _only happens when the moon is full." I stared at him.

"But…Emily!" I cried.

"I know," he said, way too amused by the concept than I thought was appropriate, given the circumstances. "First Sam falls in love with Leah. Then he imprints on Emily. Then he finds out that Leah may go into heat at the most inopportune time, forcing him _back _to her. He has no control of his love life whatsoever! It's better than a soap opera!"

"A soap opera that you can't watch any more, thanks to yours truly." I grimaced. "Does the rest of the pack know that the system is down?" He nodded.

"Carlisle called Sam. To be honest, most of the pack was relieved. Sure, the lack of communication could be a hindrance if any of your Volturi friends show up looking for a fight, but for once we can all do what we want without worrying about keeping secrets from each other. Also, no one has to listen to Leah any more, which is great, because she was becoming a real pain in the arse." He parked the red Rabbit in front of Billy's tiny run-down home and whisked over to my side of the car. He opened my door for me, took my hand, and led me away from the house. His hand did not, for once, feel as though it was on fire. I saw the head of a trail that led into the woods.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Cliff diving." His face was serious.

"Shut it, Jake." I smiled in spite of myself.

He flashed me an answering smile and started jogging toward the trail.

"Seriously," I called after him. "Where are we going?"

"We've gotta see how far you're transmitting." He winked and kept up his pace.

Irritated, I jogged after him with both a grace and speed that I had not anticipated. "Whoa."

"Pretty cool, huh?" Jacob slowed to wait for me.

"It doesn't suck," I agreed. "But I would have been able to run pretty fast in two weeks, anyway."

"Yeah, but now you can run fast without the pesky side effect of wanting to snack on your nearest and dearest."

I rolled my eyes but didn't take the bait. "You said something about transmitting?" I reminded him.

"Oh, yeah." He pointed towards the thickest part of the forest. "We're going to run straight that way until your leech calls us and says he can be all voodoo mind reader again."

A tickling sensation started at the back of my throat, and it took me a minute to realize it was because I was _growling_ at Jacob.

His laughter boomed and he shook his head at me. "Sorry, Bells. We run until _Edward_ calls."

"Why?"

"So we know how far away we have to keep you. Hopefully the forest has enough acreage to hide."

After the shock and upheaval of the day, I just wasn't in the mood to puzzle out what he meant. "Jake, I'm sort of lost, here. Can you start at the beginning, maybe?"

He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. "Sure, Bells. Sorry. Want to sit while we talk?"

"No. Let's hike. I'm enjoying the sensation of not tripping over my own feet."

He winked playfully at me. "If you think that's cool, just wait till you're on paws."

As we walked in the direction he had pointed, he filled me in on the finer details of the plan. The _scarcity_ of finer details did nothing to ebb my fear and panic, as there seemed to be an unusually high number of plan points that ended with "and then were just gonna have to wing it, and hope for the best." Today's outing was a test to see from what distance I could jam the vampire telepathy signal. It stood to reason that Aro would notice if he could no longer read people, and Jane would _certainly_ notice her sudden inability to cause people to writhe and scream with anguish. They wouldn't believe I was dead if the evidence of my ability was staring them in the face. And they _had_ to believe I was dead, or they would never leave my future family alone. If we couldn't fake my death, then I might as well _be_ dead. If the forest wasn't big enough to house me, then Jake, Embry, Quill, and I were going to make a run for California—a _literal_ run for California.

There was no time to waste. Jacob and I ran for a good forty minutes before I heard the beautiful notes of _My Lullaby_. I gracefully slid the phone from my back pocket, halted my run, and turned on my heel to lean against a slim tree trunk. I was so unused to this new grace, and so _unnerved_ by it, that I dropped the silver phone onto the mossy earth in surprise. Hmph. _Some things never change._

"Edward," I breathed, channeling every ounce of my fear and my longing for him into the two syllables.

"My Bella. My love. Are you alright?"

"No."

His musical laugh poured like honey from the receiver. "Neither am I. But I can hear again."

I let out a big whoosh of air. _At least I won't be running to California_.

"I need you to stay exactly where you are, can you do that for me?" Jacob's cheeks began to twitch, and he quickly turned his back to hide his smile.

"Edward! We're in the middle of the forest!" I said, annoyed.

"I know. But it's only temporary, and you can send some of the…" he hesitated, "wolves back for food and supplies."

"We didn't bring any of the other guys with us!" I protested.

I heard him swear softly to himself before he addressed me again. "It's alright sweetheart. It's going to be all right. But I need you to put Jacob on the phone for me now, okay?"

"Uh oh." I said in my best imitation of a little kid, holding the phone out for Jacob. "I think you're in trouble." Jake got on the phone, grinning like a little kid who has been told that he gets to eat Pixie Stix for dinner.

"Greetings, my annoying little mosquito," he said broadly. "Stay where we are? Stay where we are? Oh, no no no no no! Are you insane? We'll get bored out of our minds! Do you know what happens when canines get bored?"

"They dig holes in your yard, chew your shoes, and destroy your furniture." Edward said acidly. My new hearing was allowing me to hear what was coming through the phone, even from a few feet away.

"Very funny. But you've gotta see it from our point of view. Wolves get hungry. Ravenously hungry. If we try to get other pack members to bring us hot dogs to roast, they'll be gone before they arrive. Besides, it doesn't matter _where _we are, just so long as we don't come any closer to you. We might as well jog down to Portland, go out to a nice dinner, and act like tourists to pass the time. It'll be easy enough to stay entertained in that city—I hear they're filming a movie about vampires down there. We could volunteer to be extras for a day."

"Stay where you are!" Edward commanded. His velvet anger caressed the air around the phone. "With _you_ around, Alice's abilities are null and void, meaning that I can't track her."

"Oh! So it _my_ fault that Bella's invisible to your sister's weird psychic powers? Are you sure that doesn't have anything to do with the fact that she's a werewolf herself?" Edward muttered violently and rapidly under his breath before speaking coherently.

"I like to know where she's at, so I'd _rather_ you stayed put, thank you very much!" With this statement, weird background noises started coming through the phone. It sounded like something in the Cullen house was being smashed to tiny bits. _I hope that's not another TV, _I thought.

"Well, I'd _rather_ you stopped being irrational and controlling. For Pete's sake, do what normal, non-omniscient boyfriends do when they want to know where their girlfriends are located!"

"What's that?"

"Oh, I dunno. Maybe _call_ her and say 'hey honey! Where ya at?'" The string of obscenities that erupted from the phone actually made Jake hold the phone arms length from his ear.

"Are you done cursing yet?" Jake said, as politely as he could, when Edward stopped to inhale. "I think Bella's getting hungry."

"Fine!" Edward snapped. "Go get dinner. Go scuba diving in Thailand for all I care! Just bring her back safe and unspoiled."

"Leech."

"Dog-breath."

"Bloodsucker."

"Mange-mouth."

"Your momma's so fat she…"

"ENOUGH! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" I yelled, furious at Jake's immaturity. Why couldn't they just get along? I felt shudders begin to climb up my spine, as all of the embarrassment, anger, frustration, and disappointment began to come to a head. Everything felt hot and hazy. "How _dare_ you talk to Edward with such insolence! I'm _marrying_ him in three weeks. He's going to make love to me and turn me into a vampire, and there's nothing that you or any sadistic vampire army can do to stop it!" However, what came out of my mouth was not words, but a series of barks, growls, and snapping of fangs.

_Crap,_ I thought.

Jacob was shaking with silent laughter, and holding the phone away from his ear. I could hear Edward's voice growing louder and more shrill with every passing second—so much so that his muttered profanities were becoming _almost_ understandable.

"Jacob Black, you answer me right now. Is Bella all right? What's happening? Answer me you filthy mongrel!"

"Pull the poker out of your butt and chill. She's fine. No, scratch that. She's _better_ than fine. She's furry."

The only sound coming from Edward's side of the line now was rapid breathing. _Can you hyperventilate if you don't need oxygen? _"I'm okay!" I tried to say, which resulted in a mangled whimpering yelp. _Not being able to talk sucks. How do they stand it? Oh, right, the mind reading thing… Too bad I screwed that up, too. _

The look on Jacob's face was pure radiant joy. Since I clearly hadn't mastered the art of making threatening sounds yet, I tried to stare him down.

"Aww. How sweet. Now she's giving me puppy dog eyes. Still not worried she may change her mind about the whole leech thing?"

"That's enough." Edward's voice was firm again, strong and unshakeable. "We can torment each other forever, but it will do us no good. Bella's decision doesn't hang on our ability to make witty banter and right now, I'm more concerned with ensuring that she still has a future in which to make that choice. We need to stay focused, pup."

"Yeah, well, focus on _this_. Eventually, Bells is going to phase back, _Edward_. You'll still be stuck in Forks playing battleship with crusty old dead dudes. She and I will still be stranded all alone in the middle of nowhere, and—oops—did I mention she will be sort of naked? Just one of the hazards of the werewolf lifestyle, I guess, those pesky wardrobe malfunctions. Good thing I'll be here to keep her warm again, don't you think?"

I was too stunned to try to stare him down, or growl again. _Crap. I _am_ going to be naked!_

I strained to hear Edward's response, but there was only a heavy, ominous silence. I was so engrossed in the absence of sound that I drew my tail—_holy crow I actually have a __**tail**_— between my legs when the large CRASH sounded from my phone. Edward was still silent, but I distinctly made out Emmett's furious shout.

"Dude! What the hell? Quit breaking the good stuff, Edward! Demolish your pansy boy piano or something but leave my gaming systems alone. Seriously!"

There was another small crunch and then Edward was back on the line. "Jacob Black, I swear on all that is holy that if you lay so much as an unwanted finger on my Bella, I will neuter you myself."

"Sure, sure. But just so you know, it isn't my finger I want to lay on her. And it certainly won't be anything _unwanted_." Jacob flipped the phone shut and threw it to the ground just as I reared back and launched my new sleek black body at him. He took one powerful stride, leapt into the air, and phased mid jump. Our wolf bodies collided—a sea of fur and fangs—but his stronger, larger, more experienced body easily pinned me to the ground. From my vantage point, I could see the full moon shining down on us through the treetops.

_Oh, crap_, I thought again.


	4. Doggy Style

**Authors' Note: **

Marcy: Dude Roo…we are going to get flamed.

Roo: (ducks head) Er…yeah.

Marcy: We are _so _going to incur the wrath of Team Edward.

Roo: (ducks head) Er…yeah.

Marcy: At least Jake is having a good time.

Roo: (cringes) Oh God is he ever.

Marcy: This story is on _crack._

Roo: Oh God…is it EVER!

Both: BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

**Chapter 4: Doggy Style**

During the winter semester of my junior year, Mr. Banner showed a BBC film called _The Trials of Life: Continuing the Line_ in Biology. The film detailed the courtship and mating rituals of several wild animals, including (but not limited to) tarantulas, chinchillas, elephants, crabs, barnacles, and tortoises. Had I been paying attention in class that day, I would have learned a thing or two about the reproductive cycle of North American wolves. For example, I would have learned that when the Alpha male and the Alpha female in a pack are courting, the male shows his affection by rubbing his muzzle against his mate's. I would have learned that when the male bows to the female, tosses his head, and lays his front paws over her neck, it is his way of flirting with her. Likewise, I would have learned that when the female whips her tail in the male's face during the peak of her heat cycle, it releases a burst of pheromones so potent that every male in the pack (including the cubs) becomes aroused by the scent. Most alarmingly, I would have learned that after the male mounts the female and does his thing, his genitals swell, causing the two of them remain connected, physically unable to separate, for an average of thirty minutes, as they awkwardly stumble around, butt to butt. In the wild, this is apparently a good thing: it ensures that the male's sperm reaches the female's eggs, impregnating her before any other male can mate with her and compete for the fatherhood of the one to fourteen pups she will give birth to sixty days later.

Unfortunately, I didn't learn any of these fascinating wolf facts during that biology class, because it took place the day after the incident in Port Angeles. Edward and I had just come to class after an enlightening lunchroom conversation revolving around the topic of mountain lion hunting, and all my thoughts were bent on him. That day, the topic of the movie didn't even register in my mind. I was caught up with my own courtship process, as the first twinges of romantic chemistry buzzed between my glorious lab partner and I. I'd been overwhelmed that day by a crazy impulse to reach over and touch Edward, to stroke his perfect face in the darkness of that classroom, and to kiss those alabaster lips, which is why not one word of the nature documentary penetrated my long-term memory on that fateful afternoon. This is unfortunate, for had I been prepared, things may have gone very differently with Jake in those woods that night. Had I been prepared, I could have avoided the pull of the full moon, which forced us to do things that I never would have agreed to under normal circumstances. A lot of pain and discomfort could have been avoided, if only I'd chosen to pay attention in Biology.

Jake once told me that you keep your human mind when you phase. This is true—but _incomplete_. Though I was furry, I was still—inarguably—Bella Swan: daughter, fiancée, and soon to be vampire (though _that_ thought now gave me unnatural chills). My higher reasoning skills—as well as my sarcasm—seemed to be in order, as well. Well, actually they were probably in better shape as a werewolf than when Edward's presence made my head swim. I had no sudden desire to chomp down on yummy townsfolk. I wasn't an _animal_. What Jacob omitted in his explanation to me was forgivable. I would never have been able to understand without actually experiencing it.

Yes, I was still Bella, but I was Bella uninhibited. There was a new, _primal_ coating to every fiber of me. Every thought, every emotion, every sensation was peaked with a raw edge. It was exhilarating. Intoxicating.

When I heard Jacob taunt Edward on the phone, leaping at him had been an instinctual reaction, a reflex that—like my sudden coordination—had everything to do with my new fur coat. (Alright, fine. My fur coat amped the reaction up…I can't claim that physically assaulting Jacob was something I wouldn't have done, anyway…after all, I'd been perfectly human when I punched him in the face.) Unable to give voice to my anger and frustration, I'd given it physical outlet. That turned out to be a big mistake.

Jake—having the same instinctive reflexes that I currently possessed—did the only natural thing. He phased, and met me mid assault. The instant that out bodies collided, a new—if not wholly unfamiliar—need filled me. _Oh, crap._

This could only happen to me. I hadn't paid much better attention in Statistics than I had in Biology, but even so, I knew the odds of so _many_ factors aligning were infinitesimal. Only I could have luck this splendiferously horrid. It was simple, really, to understand what was happening. The first two shots the doctor had given me must have really been Follicle Stimulating Hormone. They must have really provoked my body and prepared it to house a life. That was the simple, logical explanation for what my body was screaming at me. I tried to fight off the strange pull that I was beginning to feel. The unexpected _want_. I was no Alpha female, only a temporary guest of the La Push pack. I was in love with a vampire. An absurdly moral vampire. We were keeping ourselves pure for our wedding night. I reminded myself that I really didn't want Jacob that way. There was no reason for me to cave into the sudden animalistic desire. I was still a rational creature. Logic. Reason.

Jacob still held me pinned to the damp earth. _Why oh why does the mental link have to be down now! _Even without hearing his thoughts, I could see his two natures warring behind his eyes. _His eyes. Such powerful eyes._ I shook my canine head, a very human reaction. _Rational creature. _I reminded myself. _Stand up_. I attempted to wriggle out from underneath the weight of his body, but my attempt succeeded only in stirring up a new, musky scent. Jacob pressed more of himself down on me, and my whole body vibrated with the sound of the low growl that escaped his muzzle.

Higher thinking ceased to exist.

When it was over, and we were both human again, I sent an unrepentant Jacob back to La Push to get clothing and provisions for us. I knew Edward wouldn't like me sending Jake off, since he wouldn't want me alone in the woods with the Volturi guard so nearby. But after our recent Discovery Channel-esqe experience, I doubted he would much prefer Jacob to Aro. I had to send Jake away though. I needed time to think, and I wanted privacy for the phone call I desperately didn't want to make. Half blinded by my own tears, I searched out the phone that Jacob had tossed to the ground. I had to explain everything to Edward. I had to tell him before he found out from someone else. _But how can I possibly explain this? _

I said a silent prayer that Edward would understand. He _would_ understand. He had to. I would just explain to him, and he would realize that we had no choice. We weren't ourselves. Logically he would understand that, and he wouldn't fly off the handle and do anything rash and murderous...or suicidal. _It'll be fine_, I silently assured myself. _Logic is on your side_.

But that's the problem with rational thinking. In a head to head battle, instincts will kick logic's butt any day.

I dialed the number, and steeled myself to do what I must. The phone rang only once before a cold, musical voice answered.

"Hello, Bella. We've been expecting your call." _Jane_. A shudder ran down my body, all the way to my toes, and I was surprised to find that there was no fear in me. _Huh. Must be a wolf thing. Or maybe just a "woot! I'm not so weak anymore" thing._

"Hello Pane," I said, struggling to keep my tone even.

"Pain, you say?" She sniggered at my Freudian slip. "It is your brooding and depressingly angsty fiancé who is currently in pain."

"Leave him be," I growled. She laughed, mockingly.

"But…he's so _handsome_ when he writhes. Aren't you, pretty boy?"

"­Stop that!" I howled (at the moon no less. How cliché).

"Who's going to make me…you?"

"You better believe it," I snarled. Furious, I started to run in the direction I'd come, determined to tear every member of the Volturi limb from limb. Before I'd even gotten fifty feet, however, I heard a pair of hands clapping in the background, through the phone.

"Excellent! Most excellent! Bravo, dear Jane, you have played your part beautifully! She fell right into our little trap. We now know what we came to learn: she_ is _alive, she _is _capable of nullifying our abilities, and that capability _is _limited by distance." I froze on the spot. _Shoot! I must be transmitting again. So much for playing dead. Well, I guess this is the part of the plan where we "wing it and hope for the best." _There was a shuffling noise as the phone exchanged hands.

"Aro?" I breathed.

He guffawed. "Bella, you rascally furball you! You've upset Jane again. I don't think the two of you are off to a very good start."

"If she wants to make new friends, she should lay off on the Cruciatus Curse…don'tcha think?" I said.

Aro made a noise that sounded like _hmmmm_ as he tried to place the term, than one that sounded like _oooooh _as it clicked."The Boy Wizard! Of course! How I so dearly love pop culture references. They make me feel young again! Like a toddler watching…_Teletubbies!_ Hee hee! Ho ho! Shall I _cut to the chase_?"

"_Cut to the chase_ isn't a pop culture reference!" I said, rolling my eyes. "It's not even slang. Earth to old guy: action movies have been around for nearly a hundred years."

"Forgive me. My age has betrayed me. I must be a…a…oh drat. What is that disrespectful word you teenagers like to use to address your elders?"

"Geezer?"

"Yes! Ha ha! That's the word. I love new words. _Boxcar_, for instance. It has _such _a lovely ring to it. The _buh _sound at the beginning is just so punchy."

_Punchy, huh? _I punched a tree in frustration, growing weary of Aro's quirkiness. It fell down with a _snap._ "Can we just get to the point where you release my hostage lover in exchange for a lifetime of my servitude?" Aro sighed.

"If only it were that easy, darling. If only it were that easy. You see, Edward here, has 'told' me all about his plans to nibble on your neck on your wedding night."

"Lots of couples give each other hickies." I said nonchalantly. "I don't really like it, but hey, if that's what turns him on…"

"Hickies?" Aro muttered, confused.

"Sorry, more slang."

"Ah."

"Back on track," I said. "What do you want from me?"

"Ah, I would have thought that part would be obvious. I don't want your servitude, Bella. I have plenty of servants already. The only thing I want from you is your blood, well, your blood and your boyfriend."

"Sorry, Aro. Edward doesn't swing that way," I taunted.

"Swing?" He sounded both confused, and intrigued. _Ew_.

"Yeah. He's not interested in having sex with men." Wow. As a werewolf I was kind of a badass. Or maybe I was just a smartass. Either way, my sarcasm was _definitely _still in order. _I could get used to this._

"Well, dear, before you came along he wasn't particularly interested in having sex with women, either."

I smiled in spite of myself. "He _is_ absurdly moral for a vampire." _How much longer can I stall? Surely Jake will find me soon._

Aro snorted, an actual honest to goodness snort. _So much for the sophisticated royalty of the vampire society._ "That's what I've been saying all along," he chided. "All this nonsense with animal blood. It's ridiculous."

"Yeah, I can see where you might find abstaining from murder an inconvenience."

As Aro's answering laughter haunted my ear, I caught sight of a giant red brown wolf barreling towards me. _Jacob_. And he wasn't alone. Following closely behind him were three other giant killer beasts. I had never been so happy to see my friends from La Push in my entire (and almost over) life.

Jake ran behind a tree (why he was being modest _now_ was beyond me) to phase and put on a pair of tattered denim shorts. I placed my pointer finger over my lips, the universal gesture for "shut your yap." The last thing I needed was for Aro to hear the pound puppies. I didn't have even the tiniest drop of a plan, but I knew better than to tip my hand (Aro would have enjoyed that reference) too soon. As the shirtless, bronzed skin men (most of whom were really boys) vacated the shelter of the trees and came to stand next to me, they were absolutely silent. _Small blessings_, I thought quietly.

Aro's skin crawling laughter finally subsided, and there was silence on both ends of the line. I turned away from the guys and started pacing slowly back and forth. After only a moment of the irksome quiet, I caved.

"So what exactly am I supposed to do, here Aro? You have something I want, and I _am_ what you're after. I assume you called to offer me a trade. My life for Edward's?"

Behind me, I heard the sharp intake of several breaths, but I couldn't bear to turn around and face them. I couldn't watch Jake's eyes again as I ran off for the second time to my own death to save the one I'd chosen over him.

"Well, I guess I overestimated you Miss Swan."

"I doubt that." Unfortunately, I didn't doubt that. "How so?"

"I rather thought you would have tried to bargain to save the rest of your boyfriend's little coven, too."

_No! No, no, no!_ I might not have had a plan, but whatever it was would have surely hinged on having the help of the rest of the Cullens. I couldn't ask the wolves to help me save them, not knowing that they would only get themselves killed. A handful of young werewolves against an army of ancient vampires? It would be no contest.

"Fine then. My life for theirs. I want them all released. I want you to leave here, and never come back. I'll go quietly to you. Do what you want with me, I don't care. Just let them go."

"Well. It seems that you _are_ as foolishly noble as I'd heard. Pity. I need to confer with my brothers to outline the terms of your surrender. Sit tight. I'll ring you again within the hour." Aro abruptly hung up.

Well. This was it. I was going to die. I wouldn't even get to say goodbye to Edward. I could leave him a note, I'd done that once already. _He will be furious at me for this_. The thought made me laugh, a sort of hysterical-on-the-edge-of-madness laugh. Charlie and Renee deserved some sort of explanation, too, but there would be none that I could give them. _Goodbye._ But there was at least one goodbye I would have to make in person. I turned back around to meet the haunted gaze of my best friend.

The instant I faced them, Jared, Quill and Embry made embarrassed faces and stared at their feet. _Hmm. Guess they aren't big on emotional meltdowns._

Jacob was staring incredulously at me. "Bella. No. You can't…"

I cut him off quickly. "I know what you're going to say, Jake. But you can't change my mind. I have to do this. I love him, I love _them_. I can't let them die."

His features distorted, turning angry. I felt my own rage begin to churn within me. We stared at each other, neither of us blinking. The tension manifesting so strongly between us, that I thought my heart might prematurely explode, wrecking my plans.

"Hey, Bella?" Quill tentatively interrupted the loud silence.

"WHAT?" Jacob and I said in unison and spun to face him.

"I…er. Did you realize you're still naked?"


	5. You lock 'em up, we knock 'em up!

**Authors' Note**

Marcy: So, yeah. It's been...awhile since we updated.

Roo: What ever happened to "look for updates frequently" and "writing at breakneck speeds?"

Marcy: We're posers. Clearly.

Roo: Or somehow developed lives outside of the internet...temporarily, mind you.

Marcy: Yeah. The real world, now THAT was just a phase. Now we're back! (And with a vengeance, mwa ha ha.)

Roo: Back! To write what COULD happen in Breaking Dawn..(though we hope that it's not what's going to happen in Breaking Dawn.)

Marcy: (cringes) For Edward's sake, I hope its not.

Roo: As do our readers. We keep getting all these reviews from livid members of Team Edward who are angry that the child's not Edward's and that Edward and Bella don't look like they're going to live happily ever after in wedded bliss. What did they expect though? I mean, did they read the title?

Marcy: PREGNANT VAMPIRE (yeah shut up, I know we made her a werewolf) Bella joins the ARMY. Does that SOUND like a fairy tale?

Roo: If people want a fairy tale ending, they should go read "First Light" by Blondie AKA Robin.

Marcy: and the readers taht were bummed by the lack of descriptions of the werewolf mating ritual should read Ticking Clocks by Stupid Shiny Volvo Driver (but not untial after they read this, of course).

Roo: And all the complaints we're getting that our story's not filled with smutty sex scenes need to read Passion Fish by qjmom and AdmittedlyObsessed or Boycots and Barflies by vgjm.

Marcy: But they better read fast, because we're going to be updating at crazy speeds again...right? Right? Like…three time a week!

Roo: Three times a week?? We update our phys ed and sex ed stories like...three times a year.

Marcy: Yeah. But knocking Bella up and sending her to boot camp is more fun than sending her to PE or Sex Ed.

Roo: I'm on a clinical right now, which ends July 3, at which point I'll have no school and no work for 10 weeks. I can TOTALLY update like a mad woman at that point! People will have so much PVB their heads will spin!

Marcy: I'm all for spinning heads. So long as there's no pea soup.

Roo: I solemnly swear there will be no pea soup. So...where were we before T-ball and stroke patients so rudely interferred with the writing process?

Marcy: Bella was naked. Jake was thrilled. The Cullen's were in captivity.

Roo: And Aro was psycho. Gotcha. Alrighty then! On with the near implausibility!

**Chapter 5: You Lock 'Em Up, We Knock 'Em Up!**

Jake's friends turned their backs as I donned the running shorts and sports bra that Rebecca Black had thankfully left in her old room before she moved out. Jake, on the other hand, made no effort to avert his amused gaze.

"Do you mind?" I said, glaring at him as I tied the drawstring waist of the shorts. His satiny brown skin, slightly sweaty, shone in the silvery light that trickled down through the treetops.

"Mind what?" He asked innocently, still unapologetically gawking.

"Give a girl some privacy, why don't you!" Anger flooded through me, and he could tell that he'd crossed a line. He looked down and his shaggy hair fell across his eyes, forming a barrier between us.

"You're acting like it's something I haven't seen before," he muttered defensively.

I felt my hands form fists. I closed my eyes so I didn't have to look at his sculpted, shirtless shape. _So strong…so manly. _My pulse raced, hot._ Makes me want to take him and…UGH! _I pushed away the stupid werewolf-hormone induced thoughts that were infiltrating my mind like a disgusting infection. "May I speak to you alone in private?" I hissed. He nodded.

We ran for about five minutes, light on our feet, wind rushing past us, and we reached the rocky bank of the Quillayute river. I waded in, ankle deep, and let the water cool my toes, surprised that the sharp rocks felt quite comfortable against my bare feet. Sure that we were out of earshot of the other pack members, Jake faced me and crossed his arms. I could tell this was going to be ugly.

"So what's there to talk about?" he asked hotly. "Besides the fact that you're running off on quest of suicidal insanity ensuring that no one who loves you will ever sees you again…_again._" There was no denying the bitterness in his voice.

"What the heck _happened _between us tonight?" I asked, with sudden vulnerability, my words coming out in a rush. "One minute you're insulting my future husband, the next thing I know we're doing…I don't even know what to _call _what we were doing. What _was _all that? How did it…I mean…_why_ did it…aw Jake! How could you let that happen between us?" I fought back angry tears.

"You started it," he retorted, voice flaring.

"I did not!" I exclaimed, indignantly.

"Did too! You whipped your tail in my face! Don't you know what that _means_ in werewolf?"

"Sorry. Not fluent yet."

"Roughly translated, it means: 'do me, you big strong sexy beast.'" He stood inches from me, scowling. My face was at the level of his naked chest, and I found myself speechless for a moment. _Damnit! Why can't he just put a shirt on? _I recovered quickly, however.

"It was _you _who started it," I argued. "You pinned me to the ground, remember?"

He snorted. "Only because you threw yourself at me."

"To _attack you! _Not to engage in retarded, revolting, repugnant, and altogether repulsive werewolf…sex!" I yelled. The last word sounded strange coming from my lips.

"You _liked _it_," _Jake snapped.

"That's hardly the point," I mumbled before I could stop the words from slipping out. I felt my face grow hot and I knew that I was blushing furiously.

His eyes softened. "Admit it Bells…you wanted it. You wanted me." He looked hopeful, and for a moment I wanted to admit that he was right. _Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong! _The logical side of my brain was screaming at me. _Stupid werewolf hormones! Stupid full moon! _

"I'm engaged to Edward," I said, dropping my volume, hoping that if I stopped shouting I wouldn't phase and ruin yet another set of clothes. I looked up at him, eyes pleading. "I love him. I'm going to marry him. This changes nothing. We need to forget that it ever happened." He looked offended. Beautifully, toweringly, wonderfully offended. My heart sped. _Control yourself! _I thought angrily, cursing my overactive endocrine system.

"I can't," he whispered, his brown eyes, so wide, so human, filled with despair. "And you're lying to yourself if you believe that you can either." He touched my face with his huge hand, and I didn't stop him.

"Why does it have to be like this?" I asked helplessly. He sighed.

"Because you're too stubborn to change your mind and too brave for your own good." I looked up at him with an apologetic smile. He returned it with an oafish one, and I hugged him. He held me close, and for a minute, we weren't caught in the midst of a love triangle, or a crazy Volturi plot. We weren't legendary creatures from mythology. We were just Bella and Jake. He sighed.

"Friends?" I asked, a little sad.

"Best," he replied, squeezing me tighter. We both laughed, a little sheepishly.

My phone rang. It was the standard, ordinary ring of a cell phone, which meant it wasn't coming from any of the numbers Alice had preprogrammed. It had to be the Volturi.

_Crap. We still have no plan._ "Hello?" I forced the word.

"Is this Isabella Swaim?" an overly perky voice asked.

_What the…_ "This is Bella Swan," I said firmly.

"Well, Miss Swaim, this is your lucky day!" Jake overheard the shrill singsong and scrunched his eyebrows at me. As if I had any way of knowing more than he did. I just shrugged my shoulders and waited for the woman to continue.

"If you act now, you can get five rooms connected to HDTV satellite for the price of…"

I pressed my thumb against the red disconnect button with as much angry force as it is possible to channel through such a small appendage. My world was crashing down all around me, and telemarketers were calling. _That figures._

Just as I was attempting to place the little silver phone into the nonexistent pockets of Rebecca's shorts, it rang again. Like before, it was the same, nondescript ring tone.

"Hello," I said testily.

"Good afternoon, Miss Swan." The voice was smooth, aged and confident, and definitely used to speaking a language other than English. My heart sank. I was out of time.

"What do you want from me?" I tried not to sound as desperate as I felt. It didn't work.

"Oh, no. No. The question is, what do you want from me?" The voice luxuriated in the words, nibbled on the phrases.

This wasn't Aro. Caius, maybe? But I didn't think so. The voice was so musically androgynous that it could have been either male or female. Maybe it was one of the family members I hadn't met yet—that I had hoped to never meet at all.

"I already told you. I want my friends released. I want you to leave them alone. I offer a trade. Me for them."

The auditory smile left the musical voice. Now it sounded harsh. Angry. "Are you with PETA? Our kennels have been inspected and our dogs are treated humanely, just like family members. This is an outrage! Posing as a customer!"

"I…er…who is this?" I finally managed.

"My name is Douglas Everett Stilez, the owner and proprietor of Doug E. Stilez bitch studding service. You lock 'em up, we knock 'em up."

"Oh," I scrambled for something intelligent to say, and then settled for "Huh?"

Now poor Douglas sounded as confused as I did. "We received a call earlier from a Mr. V. Turrey that you have a female in heat that needs…servicing. The bitch's name is Bella?"

Jake grabbed the phone away from me, shaking so hard with laughter that I was surprised he managed to stay upright.

"Already been taken care of Doug E.," Jacob snorted, and then he flipped the phone closed. I tried to glare at Jake, but had a difficult time keeping my expression severe when I saw the mirthful tears that were streaming down his cheeks. The phone rang again.

"Another call from "out of area," Jake said, chuckling. He handed me the phone. "Tell Comcast I said hi."

"Um…hello?" I answered warily.

"Why so anxious darling?" Aro's half amused voice asked.

"Oh," I said in relief. "It's just you. Thank God. I thought it was going to be more telemarketers."

"Clearly, I need to work on my fearsome image," he muttered, troubled.

"You're so easily distracted," I complained. "Get on with your evil-overlord ultimatum."

"My what?"

"Your ultimatum!" Confused silence met my ear. I sighed. "Come on! Isn't this the part of the story where Darth Vader or Saruman or the White Witch comes in and says 'join with me Luke/Gandalf/Edmund. With our combined powers we can rule the world! Mwa ha ha ha ha!'?"

"Actually, no," he said apologetically. "I don't engage in maniacal laughter. It's bad for morale."

"Oh," I said quickly. "I'm sorry. I judged you too soon."

"It's okay. I get that all the time. But on with the point." He cleared his throat and began to speak in an ominous voice, like he was telling a ghost story. "Since my encounter with Alice and Edward last year in Volterra, I have much desired their presence on my guard. The possibilities of their combined powers enthrall me! Virtual omniscience, if you will. It is a dream that haunts my every thought…a desire that keeps me up at night."

"You're up at night anyways," I pointed out.

"True," he conceded. "But that's off topic. You see, Edward doesn't _want _to spend the rest of eternity at _my_ side; instead he plans to turn _you_ into a vampire and to spend the rest of his very long life at _your_ side. Which makes _you_ a thorn in _my _side." I groaned.

"Tell you what: if we _both _join the guard, will it appease you enough to leave the rest of the Cullens alone?" He sighed.

"You just don't _get _it, do you Bella? What use would Edward be to me with you around? Your obnoxious abilities block his powers, rendering him impotent!"

"I don't think he's actually _impotent,_" I countered. "Just very very old fashioned." He ignored my joke.

"I _like _you Bella. I really do. I only wish that your power were something _useful_ instead of this awful mind-blocking. It looks like I have no choice except to kill you and take Edward by force. I'm terribly sorry."

"Wait…" I said, thinking as fast as I could, making stuff up on the spot. "What if I have _other _powers…besides mind blocking?"

He drew in a sharp breath, intrigued. "You had _other_ aptitudes before this experiment?"

"Yes!" I said quickly. "I've always had dreams that gave me insight into what things truly were. And I could smell blood…even as a human! And…well…I had really bad luck. Edward called me a 'danger magnet.' Those talents could…er…develop into something useful to you!" Aro snorted.

"Explain how enhanced, supernatural bad luck could possibly be useful to me?" he sneered. I began grasping at straws, desperately making up random nonsense.

"What if I could _control _all those things?" I whispered, inventing wildly. "What if I figured out a way to only block mental powers when I wanted to? Or if I could direct bad luck to people…like a weapon? Or…what if my intuitive dreams developed into visions? It's all possible Aro. I've only been on this side of the supernatural for an hour. You hardly know what I'm capable of."

This time his laugh held no humor. "I'm afraid I know exactly what you're capable of, Bella. That's the problem."

I let out a sigh of defeat. I hadn't really expected my defense to work, but I had been hoping. So much for my bargaining skills.

"So what happens next?" I pressed.

"You die, Edward and Alice become mine, and I…er…live happily ever after," he sang.

"Aren't you going to be more specific than that?"

"You want to know the details of your demise? I rather thought it would make for a nice surprise. I'd like to build up the suspense."

"Oh. But you see, Aro, this is the part in our story where the evil villain—that would be you—full of assurance of his own victory gloats by telling the physically outmatched but mentally superior heroine—which would be me—just enough information about his dastardly scheme to allow her a small chance to thwart it and save the day."

Aro chuckled. "You don't gamble do you, Miss Swan?" I thought briefly of the casino we visited on our way back from Phoenix after James had nearly broken me, and of the massive amounts of Edward's money I had lost. "No," I choked.

"I thought not. Even if I spell out every minute detail of my plan, it will make no difference to you. The odds of you escaping are infinitesimal, you're already caught in my trap."

"Then what's the harm?" I prompted, sounding braver than I felt.

"Ah. I always was a fan of the…_underdog_." He snorted at his own pun.

"Very clever. Throw me a bone here, Aro," I hoped that if I could keep him laughing, I might cause him to slip.

"Well, its really very simple. We have Edward. We'll soon have you, or we will _dispose_ of him. Marcus has assured me that you won't allow that to happen. So we'll soon have both of you. We also have an antidote to the were-juice we put in you, which will negate the…_dog odor. _We'll just bleed you a little bit and lock you up in a room together. I've smelled you through him, and I'm confident he won't be able to resist forever. Having drained you himself, he'll blame himself. He'll want to die again. We will barter to end his existence in exchange for a century of servitude with us first, making the promise that for every toe he steps out of line, another of his family members will die painfully. By the time the century is over, he will desire vengeance more than he desires death, so we will be able to employ him for longer. It works out of everyone…except you, of course."

My head spun as I imagined the possibilities. I knew Edward wouldn't kill me, not if they left us alone and bleeding for a century. I also knew that my blood wasn't as tempting as it used to be…

"Ah, but you see Aro, there is one little hitch in your plan. The antidote that you have won't negate the wolf smell, not completely. My blood won't be the least bit tempting to Edward."

"Silly girl. Our medical researches have assured me…"

I interrupted, grasping wildly for a story that would work. Fresh out of tall tales, and not thinking of the consequences of letting the proverbial cat out of the bag, I confabulated a mixture of fact and fiction, hoping the Vampire would mistake my lie for fear. "There's something you don't know, Aro. I happen to be…involved with a werewolf, and under the pull of what you've done to me, we consummated our relationship earlier. If what my mate told me about my scent is correct, I will most likely be delivering a litter in fifty nine to sixty three days." I paused dramatically at the end of the sentence, and held my breath for his response.


	6. The Best Part of the Plan

Chapter 6

_A/N from Marcy: psst! We now bring your irregularly scheduled update of Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army. After you read it and finish laughing, then you need to immediately check out Bella's Bachelorette Bash written by my partner in Twilight crime LindaRoo. It's the funniest darn thing I've ever read. _

_We still don't own Twilight. We still think that is obvious. No copyright infringement intended._

**The Best Part of the Plan**

I held my breath for a long time—so long, in fact, that I wondered if I would turn blue from the lack of oxygen. An eternity seemed to pass, and still no response came from the tiny silver phone.

"Aro? Did you hear me? Are you there?" I asked. Silence. Frowning, I pulled the mobile device away from my ear and examined it with concern. The moment I did so, I groaned in defeat. Across the two-inch LED screen flashed the words "WARNING! LOW BATTERY."

"No!" I said to the phone, in a horrorstruck voice. "Don't leave me! I need you right now! Don't you dare die on me!" The phone rudely ignored my plea. With a faint _ding-ding-ding-ding _the screen fizzled to black.

"First telemarketers, now defective batteries," Jake chuckled. "Looks like you _do _have supernatural bad luck."

"WHAT A MISERABLE PIECE OF TECHNOLOGICAL GARBAGE!" I yelled, throwing my phone on the ground.

"So much for your apparent plan to confuse the enemy," Jake said casually, sticking his hands in his pockets and giving me an odd look. "At least, I'm _assuming_ that's what you were trying to do just now…wasn't it?"

I was so busy insulting my phone that I barely heard him. "I JUST CHARGED YOU LAST NIGHT!! YOU USED TO HOLD A CHARGE FOR THREE DAYS! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU THAT YOU COULDN'T DO YOUR JOB ANY MORE?"

"I must admit though," Jake said. "That I'm pretty confused as well." He cleared his throat nervously. "I always knew that you'd eventually admit that you had feelings for me, and you can't imagined how thrilled I am to hear you finally acknowledge _us_ as a couple. I love you Bella. You know that. But I don't know what to make of all this. Just before Aro called, you told me that you were committed to Edward, and that nothing that happened between us mattered. That broke my heart. Yet now you go around telling vampires that you've been _involved _with a werewolf. It gives me a shred of hope that you might still choose me. What do you mean when you say _involved?_"

"YOU'RE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF AMERICAN CRAP TECHNOLOGY! YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A WORTHLESS PIECE OF AMERICAN CRAP TECHNOLOGY! YOU PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL BE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF AMERICAN CRAP TECHNOLOGY!" I continued to shout, stomping on my phone.

Jake sat down on a rock, moving his hands about as he tried to sort his thoughts. "What confuses me the most is that you went ahead and told Aro that we had sex. I can't think of a motive for you doing that. Yeah…consummating our relationship was a big step forward for us, and personally _I _want to shout it from the mountaintops and let everyone know it happened. Even though it wasn't under ideal circumstances it was still amazing. But you didn't react to it the way I did. You seemed like you wanted to cover it up, and hide it. If Aro was telling the truth and Edward was with him, telling Aro was essentially the same as telling Edward. Were you doing that to break up with Edward? Let him know you've chosen me? That the wedding is not only postponed, but off? I'm trying to make sense of it all. I want to know your intentions. But most of all…I'm confused about the last thing you said to him. What _was _all that about delivering a litter?"

"TAKE THIS, YOU STUPID PRODUCT OF VERIZON MASS MARKETING!" I screamed. With that, I kicked the phone with all my werewolf might. It flew through the treetops and spun out of sight. My shoulders heaved, and I trembled, breathing deeply, trying not to phase.

"That was a bit inconsiderate," Jake sighed, realizing that until I was done sorting out my feelings towards the phone, I was in no condition to sort out my feelings towards him. "You didn't need to kick it. The poor phone didn't mean to upset you, or to stop being there for you. It just ran out of energy, trying to keep up with the stream of crazy stuff that always seems to happen to you. It _wanted_ to serve you, but was unable to live up to your expectations. He lowered his eyes, looking at me sorrowfully. "I'm sorry that happened, but you haven't been fair either. You overreacted."

I sighed, and looked up, meeting his liquid onyx eyes. I'd caught enough of what he was saying to understand how he felt. "I suppose I'll have to tell it I'm sorry, then," I sad. "I guess that that _was _kind of mean of me to treat it so harshly. It's always been there for me in the past. I didn't mean to go overboard."

"I'm sure it will accept your apology."

"I didn't hear where it landed. Where do you think it is?"

Jake scratched his head. "Judging by the force of your kick, I'd say it's in orbit."

"Fantastic," I muttered under my breath as he chuckled. "Now what are we supposed to do?"

Jake shrugged his shoulders noncommittally. "I dunno. You're the heroine that is supposed to thwart the 'dastardly plan,' right? You tell me."

"I didn't really have a plan yet, and if I did have a plan, it would involve the use of a phone. You don't happen to have one, do you?" I questioned without much hope.

"Nah," Jake pointed to his head. "I don't usually need one. Got a built in speakerphone. And the service out here usually sucks, Bells. I can't believe you were able to get any connection at all way out in the middle of these woods."

It was my turn to shoulder shrug. "Edward gave it to me, I guess it was really expensive." _Of course it was expensive_. I suddenly felt guilty for launching a physical attack against it. "Well, I guess there's nothing to do but head into town and allow myself to be captured."

"No! You can't do this to me, Bella! You can't do this to Charlie."

"Promise me you'll look after him," I whispered and turned away from Jacob's pleading stare. The sensation of déjà vu was overwhelming.

"But…"

"But nothing," I cut him off. "I can't just let them kill Edward. I can't let them kill the Cullens. They are my family, Jacob."

"But what about you? What about our babies? You'd just lie down and let those leeches kill _our_ family?"

I snorted. "Oh, to have your sense of humor. I was grasping at straws to throw Aro off, Jacob. You know there aren't really any babies."

"Aren't there?" His face was devoid of humor.

"Jake. It doesn't work like that…"

"How do you know how it works? You've been a wolf for all of a day, Bella. The scent you were assaulting me with earlier, the one that made it impossible for me to resist taking you when you threw yourself at me? That was the scent of a woman in heat."

"I didn't throw myself at you, I attacked you," I pouted.

"Sure, sure." He flashed me a seductive smile. "Whatever helps you sleep at night." He raised a hand to cut off the protest that was forming on my lips. "But there might be babies, Bella. Really, more than might, there probably _are_ babies. Doesn't that change _anything_ for you? Even if you don't love me enough to leave Edward, don't you love our babies enough?"

I stared open mouthed at him. _Okay. This has to be a dream. Any minute now I'm going to wake up and Edward is going to be in my bed holding me. Its just a pre wedding jitters nightmare. That's all it is._ But even as I had the thought, I knew it was too much to hope for. The stranger and more horrible something was, the more likely it was really happening to me.

I don't know how long Jake and I would have stood there silently staring at each other, probably until I grew old and died and all this Volturi nonsense became a moot point. I would have rather let the ground swallow me up than to really consider what Jacob had just told me. The sound of approaching footsteps saved me. Seth Clearwater was coming towards us with a phone in hand.

"Sorry to interrupt guys. I…er…heard you shouting at your phone, and I have a full battery. Thought you might want it."

I took the phone from him, grateful for the distraction, but without much hope that it would get reception out here. Like Jake said, the service in our area sucked. As if he'd read my mind, Seth smiled at me and said "You should get the same reception as with the satellite phone you just sacrificed to the tech Gods. It's the same phone. I thought Edward's was cool, so he got me one for my birthday."

Jake and I stopped gawking at each other long enough to gawk at Seth. "The bloodsucker got you a birthday present?" Jacob's voice was full of disbelief.

"Don't call him that!" Seth and I said in unison, and then turned to grin at each other.

"So, are you gonna call the mafia back, or what?" Seth asked me.

I thought for a minute. Aro had called me from Edward's cell phone, but I didn't know the number. Alice had programmed everything in for me, and I'd never taken the time to memorize it. I didn't have the perfect steel trap mind of a vampire yet, darnit.

"Hey Jake, do you know Edward's phone number?"

"Sorry, like I told you before, I don't have any leeches on my speed dial," he retorted.

"I do," Seth chirped. "Just press and hold down the number two. It'll dial Edward's phone."

"Hold on…" Jake said, in a furious voice, comprehension dawning on him. "You're telling me that a _vampire _is number two on your speed dial?"

"Yep," Seth said happily.

"Where am _I _on your speed dial?" Jake demanded.

Seth ducked his head. "You're number seven."

Jake's jaw dropped in shock. "Seven? _Seven??_ The leech is five spot ahead of me?"

Seth gave him an innocent, wide-eyed smile. "My house is number three, and my mom's work is number four."

"Why am I not number five?" he said angrily. Seth laughed.

"Because Sam's the alpha dog, silly." He laughed, and then looked a little embarrassed. "Number six is this girl that I met at summer camp two years ago. We've been pen pals for a long time, since my parents couldn't afford Internet, and I wasn't allowed to call long distance. Now, however, we talk every day." Jake sighed.

"You mentioned that _Edward," _Jake said my fiancé's name as if it were something dirty he was trying to spit out of his mouth. "Is number two." His eyes looked hopeful for a second. "Can you make me number one?"

Seth looked at him like he was an idiot. "Pressing down 'one' calls my voicemail," he said. Jake scowled.

"Oh. I see how it is. You think _you're _number one. Real mature, Seth."

"Guys!" I said, frustrated. "Quit being stupid! The Volturi have taken my true love hostage in his own home because they are afraid that once he marries me and turns me into a vampire, my abilities will be powerful enough to defeat his whole army. Frightened, they plan to torture Edward, and possibly the rest of the Cullens, unless I turn myself in willingly. Once I turn myself in, they plan to turn me back into a human, bleed me a little, lock me up with Edward until his thirst drives him mad and he kills me, then use his suicidal regret to enslave him."

Seth blinked. "That's his plan? Really?" he asked.

"Yes!" I cried.

"What a stupid plan," Seth scoffed. He drew out the 'u' sound, making the word _stupid _sound like _steew-pid._

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Well, the plan the work of a madman to begin with," the fourteen-year-old boy said matter-of-factly. "Weird, demented, and altogether nonsensical. But at least it might have worked, knowing your track record of running off rashly, trying to be the hero of the story instead of the damsel in distress.

"I'm not a damsel in distress!" I said defensively.

Jake rolled his eyes. "Whatever." Seth ignored him and went on.

"But we have an advantage now. We know his plan, and the solution is obvious."

"What's that?" I asked.

"It appears that Aro is counting of the notion that you'll come dashing back to rescue Edward before your powers fully develop, making you an easy target. If you're smart, you'll simply stay away."

"And let Edward get tortured?" I shrieked. Seth gave me a patient look.

"According to what you've just told me, the Volturi are afraid that your powers are capable of defeating them, right?" I nodded. "And Embry and Quil told me that you're a werewolf for three weeks, right?" I nodded again. He smiled. "So we've got three weeks to figure out what your crazy superpowers are. Once we know what it is that the Volturi are so afraid of, we take the whole pack back to wherever Edward's being held hostage, kill all the bad guys, and hold a bonfire to celebrate…after we pick up ingredients to make s'mores, that is."

"I'm supposed to let them torture Edward for three weeks?" I said weakly.

"The best part of the plan!" Jake declared.


	7. Outcracked

**Final Authors' Note**

Roo: (stunned) So I just finished reading Breaking Dawn…

Marcy: (stunned) Erm…me too…

Roo: Wow. We thought that we had a hilarious joke going on.

Marcy: The worst plot idea imaginable.

Roo: "Pregnant vampire Bella joins the army."

Marcy: Stephenie Meyer totally, completely, and impossibly outdid us, crackfic wise.

Roo: She gave us "Pregnant human Bella gets a half-vamp mutant torn from her womb as Edward chews through her placenta before turning into a vampire and _defeating_ the army."

Marcy: That makes our story look pretty tame and believable.

Roo: All that silliness that we came up with about Bella being a mind-shield and the Volturi being afraid of her…

Marcy: Who could have forseen that that was actually TRUE?? Crazy…

Roo: I was going to have Jake imprint on Jane, thinking that it would be funny and outrageous.

Marcy: Little did we know that Jake would imprint on the infant half-vamp mutant torn from Bella's womb. Jake gets paired with Edward's kid. Er…yeah. That takes outrageous to a whole different dimension.

Roo: And so the puppy fell in love with the baby sea monster.

Marcy: Stupid crackbook. Sick maschoistic readers.

Roo: Raises questions about what half-werewolf/shapeshifter, quarter-human, quarter-vampire people would be like.

Marcy: One of those aliens from "The Host" must have snatched Stephenie Meyer's body. It's the only explanation for how bizarre _Breaking Dawn _was.

Roo: The staff at "" said that if someone had submitted _Breaking Dawn_ as a fanfic that they would have put it in the "Alternative Universe" or "Crackfic" sections.

Marcy: Probably "Crackfic."

Roo: So anyways…there's not really a point in continuing this story any more now is there?

Marcy: Probably not. We've been outcracked.

Roo: So we're jumping ship.

Marcy: Yep.

Roo: But fret not, faithful readers!! More crack will be coming your way!

Marcy: New realms of weirdness wait in our imagination! Now that NOTHING would surprise us, we know no limits!

Roo: Angela could be a witch!

Marcy: Ben could be the invisible man!

Roo: Mike Newton could be a merman!

Marcy: The Cullens could take Nessie trick-or-treating!

Roo: Hey! That sounds like a GREAT idea for a fic!

Marcy: It will be our next project!

Both: MWA HA HA HA HA!!

P.S. We both actually _liked_ the book…despite its ridiculously weird plot. We were just stunned that _this_ fic was closer to being the real plot than more normal _Breaking Dawn _fics like _First Light_ by Blondie AKA Robin. I mean…Edward the Incubus and Jake the Glorified Nanny? Wow. And the line about Bella and puppies, when Edward was insane? Yeah…that just about made us lose it.


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